Cinderella Retelling | One Shoe Size Does Not Fit All
Okay, so here is my story of Cinderella.
Look, I know this one is an absolute classic and who doesn’t want to come from wearing a literal sack to being a princess, but I got some things to say about the stupidity of this story. Let me break it down for you.
Right, so Cindy’s mum passes (that is sad to be fair), but then her dad is like well I had this absolute goddess (I assume), I am now going to settle with this awful woman because of reasons. Like, come on man, have some self respect, this woman must’ve of either been fantastic in the sack or is just an absolute 10, because it makes no sense to me.
So, they get together and she moves in with him and Cindy, and brings her 2 ugly stepdaughters, no idea if he met these girls beforehand, but I assume not and that’s why he lets them live with him. So now Cindy’s dad has basically let the Hag of the land and her two gremlins move in rent-free, what does he do? Absolutely nothing. I mean, the second they start treating his actual daughter like a Victorian chimney sweep, he just vanishes from the story. Where does he go? Holiday? Work trip? Did he just look around one day and think, Yeah, this seems fine, and then swan off into the sunset? We’ll never know.
Anyway, Cindy’s now stuck doing all the housework, which, by the way, I assume the stepmother and her daughters were perfectly capable of doing before she arrived. But no, suddenly, they all develop some kind of mysterious hand condition that prevents them from picking up a broom. Also, why doesn’t Cinderella just not do it you know? This woman comes into her starts making demands like “bish clean the whole house”, surely Cindy could’ve just turned around, stuck her middle finger up and been like “Nah, screw this I’m outta here”. I don’t know how old she is in the story but if she is old enough to get married (spoilers) at the end, then she is old enough to say “peace out!”
Anyway, I digress. Fast forward to the royal ball, Cindy’s fuming because she obviously wants to go, but the stepsisters are like, Nope, you smell and plus you have all this work to do. Again, no idea why she takes shit from these two. And Cindy, bless her, actually tries to sort herself out. She puts together a dress, probably out of bits of old curtains and misplaced optimism, and what do her lovely new family members do? Tear it apart. Honestly at this point, I am surprised these girls have not received a swift backhand.
After this goes down. Enter: The Fairy Godmother. A woman who has been MIA for years suddenly turns up with her magical glow-up package, after Cindy has been mopping floors and inhaling chimney dust for ages. Like, where have you been? The girl could’ve used some magic bleach a long time ago. Also, this Fairy Godmother comes and says hey girl, let me take you to the ball, at that point surely Cindy should’ve been like
“Errrrm no, get me out of this literal hell house, or zap me to my dad that just dipped?”
Regardless, she works her magic. Rats become horses, a pumpkin turns into a carriage. I wonder what the rats were thinking at this point, I don’t remember any consent being requested here. There they were minding their own business all of a sudden BAM!!! Now you’re a horse. If I was those rats I would have a lot of questions whilst also being traumatised about what the actual fuck is going on? Secondly, do you think there was a reason the Fairy Godmother had to turn things into things? Like could she not just magic them out of thin air or do you think that is outside of the realm of her powers? Hmmm one to think about.
Cindy is now wearing a dress that would make even the most seasoned influencer cry. The one condition? Be home by midnight. Why is it always midnight? Does her magic only last that day? I mean I would not have a problem with this deadline these days, I’m old now, I’d be socialed out and in bed by 10:00, 10:30 max.
Anyway, she turns up at the ball looking stunning, and Prince Charming (the name is a bit on the nose if you ask me, I mean imagine having that surname but coming out like Quasimodo, that would be rough, good job this guy is actually a 10). locks eyes with her and just decides she’s the one. No chat. No ‘what’s your favourite hobby?’ or my favourite line when I meet someone ‘do you believe in aliens?’. Think about it if they say yes, and go into why you know you’re able to have interesting conversations with this other person, regardless of whether the topics are stupid or not. Some good relationship advise for you there. But, yeah, Ol’ Charmies is just like
“yep, that one.”
They dance and vibe til midnight comes along because Cinderella is a young’n and can stay up that late unlike me. Then, like father like daughter, she just dips without saying a word. But in her rush, she leaves behind one very impractical glass slipper.
Now, pause, because I have questions.
One: Why are her slippers made of glass of all things? Surely that cannot be comfortable? Ol’ Fairy Godmother couldn’t whip up some flats or something?
Two: How did she run in glass shoes? Surely her ankle and shoe should’ve shattered at the first step.
Three: Why does the prince, who just spent an entire evening staring into her face like a lovesick puppy, not remember what she looks like? He literally has to go door to door like, Hi, any of you got freakishly small feet? Instead of, I don’t know, just looking for the one girl whose entire vibe screamed main character. You know what I think? He wasn’t looking at her feet, he was obviously checking out other features. Dirty Bastard.
Eventually, the slipper ends up on Cindy’s foot because as we all know your magic clothes don’t change back if they accidentally fall off when you’re running away. When he puts the shoe on suddenly the prince is like,
“Oh my days, it’s you!” Insert Facepalm.
Side note – How many people did the prince try to fit this shoe on, do you think he physically tried to put it on multiple people? Like even the ones with bunions or do you think he just looked at them and was like
‘Naaah, even if it was you, naaahh’.
Anyway, the stepmother and the stepsisters are left fuming, Cindy rides off into the sunset with her royal husband, and presumably, they live happily ever after. No issues whatsoever, and that my friends is the biggest bullshit part of this story.
Final note, I also prefer the original story with the crows and the stepsisters. If you don’t know, look it up!